


Wish You Were Here

by Zoozoocala



Category: Next to Normal - Kitt/Yorkey
Genre: Depression, F/M, I'll see, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Natalie baby you deserved the world, diana might show up actually, i'm going to give it to you
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2020-07-25 00:10:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 3,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20023315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoozoocala/pseuds/Zoozoocala
Summary: Natalie Goodman starts to see Gabe.





	1. In A Instant Lightning Flashes

Her first thought is he’s more beautiful than she ever could be. Clear skin, shining dark hair, even washboard abs that look genuinely ridiculous paired with his glittery smile hugged by baby cheeks. 

Yes, he’s shirtless, for some reason. Her brother is hard to look at, literally. He glows, sort of, the light going gauzy around his edges. 

An angel, Natalie Goodman thinks, her hands cupped around an empty glass, one foot in the kitchen. 

No, she corrects herself, a demon. Then she turns heel and walks back to her room, squeezing her eyes as she passed right through him. She didn’t need the water anyway. 

The next day Natalie waited at the table for her father. He always took his time getting up in the mornings these days. Natalie took the time to survey the fridge for any upcoming groceries. She haden’t realized two people could use up so much white bread. Truly astounding, considering Natalie hadn’t had an appetite since she stopped smoking.

Dan sat down at the table a seat away from her. Natalie’s hand spasmed a little, but otherwise she concealed her surprise. He opened a newspaper and she sat there, unsure how to bring up conversation into the silent kitchen.

“So,” Dan didn’t glance away from the paper he wasn’t reading as he spoke, “what’s on the agenda for today?” 

Natalie shifted in her seat, in the chair her mother picked out, mentally formulating a schedule for the day. 

“Well...I thought I could go get a haircut..you said the other day that it was kinda splitting at the ends and-”

Her father put down his paper. “I remember. Anything else?”

Natalie couldn’t meet his gaze. She knew he was listening for a friend, a name drop, even a plan to see Henry. Well, Henry was in Alaska all summer. And Natalie didn’t have any friends, unless her old dealer Avery counted. She settled on shaking her head no. Dan sighed.

“I’m guessing you’ll need money for the haircut. I’ll give you a fifty before I go into the office.”

Natalie nodded. Dan stood and headed back up the stairs, most likely to take over the master bathroom for a good forty five minutes. Natalie let him go. What was it worth bothering him over what was most likely a dream. 

As she stood to clear her untouched plate of toast, Natalie found herself hit with a wave of longing for her mother. The woman had been batshit, but at least she would be a table topic at breakfast. Then Natalie felt bad for thinking like that. That seemed to be a good synopsis of her life recently.


	2. I Am Missing All The Fun

At some point, Natalie had spaced out while waiting for the woman who was supposed to be cutting her hair to come get her from the waiting room. Instead of thinking of how much of a trim she wanted or if she was still growing her bangs out, Natalie had been replaying her brother’s smiling stance, revisiting that hallway, over and over.

So here she was, finally seated in the black pleather chair with a middle aged dyed redhead meeting her eyes in the mirror. And Natalie had absolutely no idea what to say to her.

“Just a trim?” The woman’s high voice tilted into a question, “Let’s say, an inch off?”

Natalie stared at her own reflection, wondering how long she could go without talking before the woman (who’s name tag said Marina) would just start hacking at her hair.

Marina suddenly quieted, and met Natalie’s eyes in the mirror again.

“You know what sweetie?” She said, gently placing her hand gently on Natalie’s shoulder, “I think you look ready for a change.”

Natalie just nodded. There wasn’t much room for arguing there.

Forty minutes of blank stares and noncommittal nodding later, Natalie had a bob that curled inwards around her jaw. She handed Marina the fifty Dan had given her, and an extra ten she’d found in her backpack. 

As she made her way to the bus stop, a breeze hit the dark haired girl from behind.

Natalie shivered, not expecting the exposure on the back of her neck, which her hand went flying up to cover.

“Oh god,” she whispered to the wind, “Oh god what did I do.”


	3. Mozart Was Crazy

Dan fumbled opening the pizza box, his eyes trained on Natalie. 

“You know,” he said, finally getting a hold of a slice and transferring it to a paper plate, careful to not drip orange oil on the livingroom’s carpet, “I think I really like it. I really, truly do.”

Natalie pulled her hoodie’s strings tighter around her nose, curling farther into the corner of the couch.

“You’re lying, dad, you can’t even see it.” 

“Maybe so, but I can picture it pretty well, and you look nice.”

Natalie’s hands slowly snaked up her blue-grey -‘heather indigo’, as Diana would’ve put it- hood and removed it from her face, careful to keep her hair covered. 

“Y’know,” Dan continued, “In all the seventeen years I’ve been raising you, I don’t think you’ve ever had a haircut this...fun before.”

“Fun” Natalie muttered to her pizza, “Mom was the only one who thought crazy shit was fun.”

“Language.”

Dan’s phone began to buzz. 

“Sorry Nat Bat” he said, standing, “You can show me your hair cut from hell later, okay?”

“No.” Natalie started, but he was out of the livingroom, “No one is going to see it.”

* * *

Tonight, he was, thankfully, fully clothed. Natalie’s brother was waiting for her when she stepped into the bathroom, blocking her way to her toothbrush.

“Fuck off?” She, rolled her eyes, walking through him.

“Rude.”

Natalie froze. His voice was distinct,recognizable, like how she’d always though a sibling’s voice would. She was frozen, her hand gripping her purple toothbrush like a lifeline.  
“I don’t really like the new hair,” he said, “It just doesn’t look right.”

She whirled around, brandishing the toothbrush like a weapon. He wasn’t there.

Natalie turned to face herself in the mirror, the overhead lights shining on her thin skin, the red spots or acne on her forehead, cheeks and shoulders ever apparent. Her newly slashed hair offered even less coverage than she had before.

Maybe she could at least count on her brother for one thing.

The truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Henry's coming into play in the next chapter btw


	4. I've Missed You These Days

“Seriously,” Henry said through the screen, “I like it. It frames your jaw.”

“I don’t want to talk about my hair anymore.” Natalie replied to her computer.

The pixels that made up Henry shrugged and made a lip-sealing movement. Natalie cracked her knuckles, unsure of what to say next. 

Henry had been in Alaska for a solid month now. Natalie wasn’t sure if she actually missed him or if she missed having another human being to be next to. Oh god, was that an awful thing to think? Of course she missed him. Henry was kind. Henry was conversation. Henry wanted her. 

Henry cleared his throat. “Nat?”

Natalie offered a smile in return.

“It’s three am in Ohio, Nat, you should go to bed.”

“I’m not tired,” she insisted, “You know I don’t get tired.”

“That’s actually what worries me.”

…

“Go to bed Nat.”

* * *

Natalie was not asleep.

Did Henry want to get rid of her? Was he finally done with her paranoia, her panic? Was he going to leave her? He was in Alaska...was he already gone?

She knew this was unfair. If she would voice these fears to Henry, he’d shoot them down one by one. But that was putting so much on him. Natalie didn’t want to be a burden. She didn’t even want to be there. 

Natalie did not sleep.

* * *

Around four am, she got up and opened her computer. If she wasn’t going to sleep, at least she could do some summer homework. 

He watched her from the hall.

She could tell he was there.

Fuck you. She thought.

Rude. He said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry these are so short. I'll work on longer updates.


	5. Wont Anything Be Better Than Before

In the time between Natalie drifting off and when her alarm was supposed to wake her up for therapy, the house set on fire. 

Somewhere downstairs, an alarm was beeping shrilly. As smoke curled up the staircase, Natalie, though terrified, knew exactly what to do. 

She pulled herself up and over the rail guard on her bed, and wobbled to the door, the faint smell of smoke making her dizzy. Her father always left the door open a crack, and a good thing too, because Natalie wasn't yet tall enough to reach the door handle. Pushing the wooden frame open, she began her hazy race to her parent’s room at the end of the hall. 

Wispy grey clouds had begun to form above her head, rising from the staircase that led down to the kitchen and living room. Natalie pushed forward, reaching the door that her father and mother slept behind. 

“Daddy?” She called out to the dark room, “Daddy, my room is too hot!”

There was no response from her parent’s bed.

Natalie teetered closer. She couldn’t see over the bed, but it was less smokey in here. She sat down at the bottom of the bed and closed her eyes. 

She was already half asleep when the firefighter came into the room, only a minute later. The masked woman picked Natalie up, cradling her, and brought her through the hall, down the stairs, past the blackened kitchen, and out into the yard. Natalie was laid down onto a cot in a flashing bus, and the woman lifted off her mask.

Her face was kind, with dark skin and eyes that were so covered in sweat that she shone in the fluorescent bus lights. 

“Hi sweetie,” she said, her voice calm but breathy with exertion, “My name is Melissa. Your dad told me yours is Natalie.”

Natalie tried to sit up, but her head had begun to pound.

“My dad? Where is my dad?”

Melissa exhaled slowly. 

“He … went with your mom. She needed to go to a doctor right away. He’s going to meet you when you go to the doctor as well.”

“Is mommy okay? Can I see her at the doctor?”

“Your mommy is okay, sweetie,” Melissa said, reaching out her hand to smooth Natalie’s hair, “But you can’t go see her. She didn’t go to the same doctor you’re going to.”

* * *  
Natalie jolted awake. She slapped at the nightstand beside her bed, grabbing her phone. The screen lit up, her lock screen of her and Henry behind the time. 

3:42 am.

Fuck. 

At least she’d have something to talk about with her therapist that didn’t involve her brother’s spirit terrorizing her nights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its about to get better. i swear. kinda.


	6. It's so lovely that you're sharing

“So,” Morgan folded her arms and tugged at her sleeve, “why do you think that dream came back? You haven’t had it in months.”

Natalie sunk back into her chair, pulling her blue-grey hoodie closer to her center. Morgan’s office was always freezing when Natalie went in on Sundays. The two had wasted many sessions speculating why. My neighbors are DIY freezing their eggs, Morgan once said. What for, Natalie had replied, the world is overpopulated enough.

Morgan tugged at her blouse’s sleeve again, her pin-straight black hair swishing around her shoulders. She was waiting for Natalie’s response.

“Well, I guess … school is starting again soon so …” Natalie offered, weakly.

Morgan nodded. “Does that make you feel anxious?”

“Yeah. Kinda … I don’t know, really. I’m always kinda feeling … yeah.”

“Are you still staying up late?”

“Yeah.” 

“Is it to talk to Henry?”

“Sometimes.”

“Well,” Morgan smiled, “talking to Henry is good”

“Yeah…”

“How’s Dan?”  
Natalie rubbed her eye a bit. “Dan is fine. He won't shut up about my hair.”

“Good shut up or bad shut up?”

“Good.”

Morgan laughed at Natalie’s grim tone. “Well, it looks nice! You’re a pretty young girl Natalie. Don’t you think you should be complimented?”

Natalie shrugged in response.

“The hair just doesn’t look right to me.”

* * *

Natalie stood on the curb outside Morgan’s building. Dan had texted her to say he was just a few minutes away. She put in her earbuds and began to scroll through her fairly limited selection. Natalie had a ton of music downloaded, thanks to Henry, but it made her sad to listen to any of his picks with him so far away, so she had compiled all the music that didn’t remind her of him into an album titled “Safe”. It was a lost cause, of course, because whenever Natalie clicked on the playlist she just remembered why she had to make it in the first place. 

She looked straight up, the summer sun blazing above her. Natalie’s hair, still cool from Morgan’s office, brushed against her shoulders. It felt like a ghost’s fingertips. She shivered.

Dan’s car rolled to a stop in front of her. 

“Blinding yourself, Nat Bat?”

Natalie walked over to the passenger side but retracted her hand as skin touched metal.

“Fuck!” Natalie grimaced, “Dad, it’s burning. Can you open it from inside?”

She looked down at her now cherry palm as the door clicked and swung open. Natalie carefully slid inside, wary of further burning. 

“How was Morgan?” Dan asked as Natalie closed the car door and clicked in her seat-belt, “Did she like the hair?”

“Shut up about the hair, dad.”

“Okay.”  
* * *

There were countless moments in her life that Natalie wanted to forget, but for some reason her brain had latched onto one specific moment.

Natalie was about twelve, and Diana had decided they were going to have a ‘girls day’. That meant a trip to the mall for hair-care and shopping. Looking back it seemed a little anti-girl power, but in the moment it had done wonders for Natalie’s self esteem. 

Their first stop had been the mall’s salon, where Diana got a trim and Natalie had decided she wanted bangs. Diana was thrilled by the spontaneity of the decision, and when the deed was done and Natalie was having second thoughts Diana had sat her down in front of a giant mirror in a Forever 21’s fitting room and held her hands.

“Natalie, my darling, you are young. You don’t have the time to worry about meaningless things like bangs you might only have for a year. And baby, you don’t have the time to worry about looking bad, because you’re so beautiful baby, nothing could ever mess that up. Look at yourself baby, look.”

They had spent the rest of the day shopping for new clothes for Natalie.

She wanted to forget that day so badly it hurt.


	7. Can You Keep Your Grip From Slipping In Despair

It was only a matter of time before Dan caught onto the fact that Natalie didn’t have any friends. 

In hindsight, he should've known long before her mother left town, or even immediately after, when the only regular visitor Natalie had was Henry. Nonetheless, Dan had been asking Natalie if she had plans with “anyone” constantly for a few weeks, now that they were well into July. Natalie never bothered lying to him about it, which was a decision she should probably start to rethink. 

“I’m just saying,” Dan continued from the kitchen over the sound of running water, “You need vitamin D! How bad would it be to take a day to go out in the park? Or what about the mall? I could drop you off on my way to the office.”

Natalie cracked her neck both ways and then shook her head, cropped hair blurring wildly around her face like a spinning top.

“No thanks.” Natalie said after a pause where she realized Dan couldn’t see her all the way at the dinner table.  
Natalie ran a hand through her hair as Dan emerged from the kitchen, bowls, spoons, and an ice cream carton teetering in his arms. The teen angled her head to see the label on the carton. Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food. She raised her eyebrow.

“We’re lucky.” Dan huffed, depositing his cargo onto the dinner table. A spoon bounced to the edge of the mahogany, and Natalie reached out her hand to grab at it. 

“How so?” She asked.

Dan opened the carton, shattering a film of ice across the table.

“Well, we both have superior taste in ice cream, so I know I can get the best flavor.”

Natalie shrugged. She wouldn’t say that was luck, more so genetics. 

* * *

Dan sat with Natalie as she hid in her hands, shaking.

“I can’t! I can’t, Dad, please don’t- I can’t- I’m sorry, I can’t!”

Dan rose from his place at Natalie’s desk and crossed where she was sobbing on the hardwood floor. He stepped over her keyboard and sank down to hold her gently. He nudged the keyboard back under her bed.

“It’s okay Nat Bat,” Dan whispered lowly, in that choked voice he got whenever he was close to tears himself, “Dr. Zhou said it would take time.”

“Morgan said that months ago!” Natalie cried, pushing Dan off her, “I need to be able to play! That’s all I have! I can’t dance, I can’t do karate-”

Dan stood, staring down at his daughter with a pinched look on his face.

“Nat-,” he said, “This isn’t- not being able to play doesn’t … karate?”

“Yes! Karate!” Natalie snapped at him, pushing herself up with her bed as a brace, “I don’t have hobbies, Dan! What else is there to me? My entire existence is like … fucking planned to be a side character in a special on Diana’s fucked up life! I’m probably listed as ‘Daughter - plays piano to cope’. And guess how I feel about that, Dan?”

“Nat-” He interjected as he reached out his hand to her shoulder.

“Shut the fuck up! Guess or get out of my room!”

“Natalie! Don’t”

“GUESS!”

She was screaming - screeching, more like, her voice breaking with the raw notes she was hitting. Natalie could’ve given herself a lovely piano accompaniment, y’know, if she could play it without breaking down. 

“I said fucking guess,” she grabbed her pillow, “Or get the FUCK out.”

Dan just stared at her.

She threw the pillow. He flung out an arm and it bounced right back into Natalie’s arms. She snarled, fucking snarled like an animal, and hit him with the pillow, full force. It made a smacking noise and Dan inhaled sharply.

“Natalie!” He yelled, grabbing at her door knob.

“Get! The fuck! OUT!” She cried, punctuating every word with a blow. Natalie knocked Dan’s head against the door with a thud, and he hissed in pain before slipping out, slamming Natlaie’s door behind him.

She stood there for a second, eyes wild, chest heaving. Natalie turned to sit down when she caught a look at herself in the mirror. A distorted Diana gaped back, her eye bags twitching as they made eye contact. 

Natalie screamed, as loud and as long as her voice would let her.

* * *

“Nat?”

Natalie blinked. Dan clinked his spoon against his bowl, full of Ben and Jerry’s best. 

“Want any while it's cold?” He asked, nudging the carton towards Natalie’s hands, which were curled into fists. 

Natalie breathes out, unclenching her hands. 

“No.”

“No what?”

“No thank you.” Natalie rolled her eyes, pushing up from the table.

“Bed?” Dan asks through a spoonful of ice cream, “It’s only eight, Nat bat.”

Natalie shrugged as she felt her body carrying her away from the kitchen, up the stairs, and into the bathroom.

She locked the door and turned off the light, and then felt her way down to the bath mat. Natalie sat down in the darkness, leaning against the bathtub. It was a cool and soothingly solid texture to her. 

Maybe if she just stayed in the bathroom with the very real bathtub, she could stop going crazy.

* * *

Looking back, Natalie had reacted poorly to exposure therapy. Quite poorly, when it plagued her mind at two in the morning, as it so often did.

“Oh, okay, is that what we’re calling ‘poorly’ now?” Her brother scoffed. “Because then I can safely say that my 18th birthday went ‘poorly’. Or that your last recital went ‘poorly’. Or that-”

“Shut up?” Natalie suggested, focusing her attention to the keyboard in front of her.

“No.” He replied, spinning around in her rotating desk chair.

She sighed, looking up at him. “You’re gonna wake up Dad.”

That got his attention. His foot skidded on the hardwood as he stopped to cock his head at Natalie, a sickeningly sweet questioning expression sliding onto his face.

“But, dear sister, wouldn’t you playing piano also wake up our father? Oh right!” He resumed his spinning, kicking off with a start, “You weren’t actually gonna play! I almost forgot!”

Natalie glared at him. He kicked to spin faster.

“What's with the face, sis? It's not like you forgot!”

She shoved the keyboard back under the bed and crossed to her door, swinging it open and sweeping her hand in a Get Out motion. 

Her brother stood, and strode out.

“Hey Natalie, guess what.”

She stared at him blankly.

“C’mon … guess!”

Natalie sighed. “What.”

“You’re not falling asleep tonight.”

Natalie shut her door. She already knew that.

Also your hair is ugly.

“God, just shut up already.”

No.

**Author's Note:**

> Will update when it updates.


End file.
